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 chapter 12. |
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250
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头衔: 海归中将
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加入时间: 2005/06/06
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作者：250 在 海归商务 发贴, 来自【海归网】 http://www.haiguinet.com
Chapter 12 A Sense of Guilt…After the Fact
I ended up in that woman’s car where we had a little prelude in, and then we drove to a quiet corner further away from the bar, and we proceeded to the entire process: we unbuttoned each other in a hurry to make love, it was pure physical desire driven explorations of every part of the bodies with hands, flesh against flesh…We never exchanged names, as it was obvious that would not have been a smart thing to do. In fact, we barely exchanged much words, everything was simply down to physical actions and reactions responding to the primitive sexual desires…hot breath on the sweated naked bodies…moaning of pleasures…crazy moves…scratches and bites…I heard that good sex could burn out quite some calories like a real physical work out. Sure enough I for one would never question that. Whoever discovered this must know what he or she was talking about: we were both so completely exhausted with all the sexual energies relieved, by the time the business was finished and she dropped me back at the empty parking lot. We had a long kiss before parted, congratulated each other on the good sex we just experienced in our brief encounter, then she went on to wherever she needed to go, and I went home.
Laura’s bedroom was already light out, I went straight to my own room, took a quick shower and went to bed. With the brand new marks all over my body, I would not want Laura to get anywhere near me anyway.
Although I was genuinely tired after the “work in” at the office and the “work out” outside the bar, for some unknown reason I seemed to be having a trouble to sleep.
I believed that was overwhelmed with a sense of guilt for what I had just done back in the car with that woman. The funny part about this was I did not feel that I cheated on Laura, but rather felt that I cheated on Alice! Maybe there was a rationale behind this: I meant, looked at this joint I was in, it was like a in a fucking dorm on campus when at school! Was this a life style by my choice?
Why did I go for that sexual encounter? Was it because I was actually trying to vent out my anger against Laura? Or was it a de facto outlet for all the work stress accumulated? I did not know nor did I care why that woman picked me out of the crowd in the bar, but she sure must have her own reason for what went on back there too. Perhaps on her part it was purely a matter of satisfying her basic physical needs of human beings, or in the street term, to “get paid”! But I did not have to do that with a total stranger, if the question was simply reduced down to that…? I wish I could do like some of those religious guys, (very few in proportion, but nevertheless there were,) they fooled around and went aheadfor their good time, then they would go to church to confess their sins for their peace of mind, and then they would go back to the old routine to start all over again. Don’t those priests get sick and tire of listening to those guys’ confessions? Too bad for me cause I ain’t got any religion, I just had to deal with it on my own. Once I found something to justify my little misdemeanor, I would be able to face my conscience again, and fall into sleep like a baby!
“You did not really believe that yourself, did you?”
“Abita?” I was totally unprepared: “Did you see all that just now…?”
“That and everything else, would you like me to replay for you and see if you conscience could really deal with it?” Abita floated down right next to me by my side.
“I don’t believe that’s necessary…I think I got it all already!”
“So, after this little romance flash, you are just going to pretend nothing happened and go back to Alice’s arms for her love, and back to your house… business as usual?”
“Why not? You got any better idea?”
“Do you remember what kind of boy you were before you landed in this country?”
“I guess I was pretty dorky, wasn’t I?!”
“Did you ever try to go back to your past where you came from and think about what is missing in the life you are living in?”
“How do you mean?”
“You wanted a lot that you never had before you got here, didn’t you?”
“What was wrong with that?”
“And now what do you think you have? Do you have what you thought you came here for?”
“Oh, I was just a country boy from another world, what did I know?!”
“Oh, so fast car, fast computers and nice house are not good enough for you any more! Then, tell me, do you know what you want from your life?”
“Of course I do! But I do not have to tell you about it!”
“Fine, keep it to yourself! But do give some serious thought on that! You will eventually realize, people want what they do not have. Once they have what they wanted, they want more. There is no end to it!”
“So?”
“So you would be chasing after rainbows all your life, without understanding your life is right where you are at, need look no further for it. Weren’t you happy with your parents, when your entire family had literally nothing?!”
“Yes…?”
“Do you think you are happier now, after you have fulfilled your first dream, you had cherished when landed in this country, the land of opportunities? No, Please! Don’t try to answer this question to me, sleep on it yourself!”
“What are you trying to tell me, Abita?”
“I am not telling you anything. You need to sort it all out on your own. I see in the past few days you have been re-examining your current life style, and asked yourself a lot of right questions. You are on the right track. But when was last time you got in touch with your cultural roots, and did you ever thought about picking up on Zen?”
“You know I am not religious and I know nothing about Buddhism!”
“Zen is also a very good philosophy that guides people through their lives for self studies. Many Jews and Christians study it too.
“For someone out of this world, you know a lot about our stuff here!”
“I will be in touch, and…I will be watching too!” Abita disappeared.
I turned the lamp light on, looked at the clock on the night stand, it was 3:15 in the morning! I need to get some sleep so I could return to office and do my fucking jobs!
What a long day!
作者：250 在 海归商务 发贴, 来自【海归网】 http://www.haiguinet.com
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 chapter 12. -- 250 - (6185 Byte) 2005-6-30 周四, 12:23 (509 reads) - 精神可嘉 -- 王八盒子 - (111 Byte) 2005-6-30 周四, 21:09 (192 reads)
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